I am back to the spot where I can sit down and I don’t have to say a word. I sit while typing words that pops out of my mind in my laptop. People sit around me sipping coffee out of a plastic glass. The room is filled with buzzing sounds from people talking to each other. The smells of tobacco tempt me to have another round. I am here in the middle of a crowd but I feel alone, my mind keeps galloping through the air. I am wondering why my heart seems so difficult to see what lies in front. My fingers type one word to another wishing that I can come to a conclusion of my confused mind. Can I see you again? That is all I can hear inside my head. A perfection of life is in my grasp, but my heart runs faster than lightning. My memory goes down a rabbit hole, trying to find what I am looking for. I remember, your big black eyes looking at me. Your heart is pure, your soul was not lost. You were the best thing I could remember all my life. You touch my heart and my soul with your sincerity. How I longed to hold you and tell you I really love you. But I am a lost man, I don’t have a chance. You have a perfect life, a perfect love. And I am sitting here lost in the crowd. What misery does to your soul is nothing anyone can explain.
I am staring at my laptop monitor holding my cup of coffee and once in a while looking at my phone, wishing I could send her a message telling her how much I miss her. I know I am just a side dish from a meal but I really miss her. And down inside my heart I miss you too. I keep on typing words that I won’t send… hope that one day she can read it and understand. I still remember you too; I always do even though I don’t admit it. You know me as a person who lied to you, and I hurt you that much. Life is not a fairy tale, but dreams are essential. Don’t give up a dream, I love your enthuastism when you tell me about your days. Your face light up with joy, your eyes shines, and you glow. You give life a new meaning. I don’t want you to give in to sadness, and lose the war. You might lose a battle once in a while, but you are going to win the war. Words I can’t describe how I feel for you. I remember telling you words that are inappropriate, but you just stood still looking at me with no words to reply. I pour you with words of nonsense, I just keep on going and I am ending up hurting you. You are a friend, you care so much about me, and you never judge me. I didn’t know that I made you cry. I am sorry that I did that. I have a foolish heart that cares for someone so mean. She takes advantages of the love that was true once in a lifetime. I know how much I love her, but I can’t satisfy her. You are the one who sees the real me, and in front of you I trembled when I lie. I am a person who dares faced the world, but I can’t face the one I love. You are to me is better than her, better than me. And you have a life that is perfect. You have someone who cares; he gives you the future that I can’t give. And I know how much he loves you. I saw him looking at you with eyes full of love, and his heart is sincere. He will do anything for you; he will never let you go. I can never ruin that picture of happiness that you have. I might have left you alone, but it is for the best. I love you… I always will, but you are better off without a memory of me.
I sit while people come and go. Time stops for me, I am in the middle of a dream. My mind runs in a circle not knowing when to find the answer. All I Remember was the pain tearing parts of my heart. My heart was broken into pieces. The hurt she caused me will take time to heal. My eyes keep staring at the gloomy weather, rain has just fallen from the sky. I remember how you like the rain, I like it too. Every drop of rain is rhythm to you; the rain itself is your music. I once imagine running through the rain with you, and suddenly I will stop to kiss you under the pouring rain. You will try to get away, but I will make you stay. I wonder if you still think of me. If I can turn back time, I will tell you that you are everything to me. I will hold your hand, and never let you go. I will stare into your big black eyes and see forever.
Suddenly everything becomes so bright, sunshine makes the gloomy weather disappear. I raise my head and see a woman smiled at me, she wakes me up from a dream. Her big black eyes remind me of my dream. “Wake up dear… it is time for us to go home.” I look at her, and wonder if it is all just a dream. Am I dreaming while sitting down in a crowded coffee shop waiting for her? I close my laptop and put it in my bag. I run after the woman of my dream, she reaches for my hand and we walk along the sidewalk. She laughs when I told her about my dream.
“You dream of the past?”
“I dream of the time when you were not mine. You were once my secret affair.”
She laughs again, her eyes twinkled. “Am I?”
“I never recall that.”
“You don’t…. I never told you but I kept my heart for you even though we are apart.”
“Ohh… you did, I thought you have forgotten about me.”
“No, I didn’t. I missed you.”
“I missed you too…but that time I know it would be impossible. You left me wondering what I did wrong.”
“Nothing was wrong, I come to my senses….you were happy, so I left.”
She holds my hand tighter, “Don’t leave me now. Don’t disappear.”
“Never… I found my peace.” I looked at her, she might not be as beautiful as her, but she has a more beautiful heart than hers. I might love another once, married her and lost her love at the end. But it is all just the past; my memory of the pain has passed.
Now, I love this woman, and the most important thing is I know that she loves me with all her heart. You are my friend; you never gave up on me. I know sometimes you can’t hide the pain from losing your perfect love to the hands of fate. I know your life with him is a happy one and the memory of him still lives inside of you. He will always be alive in your heart. The pain you hide alongside with the love you have for him will never disappear easily. But I promise you, I will take care of you like he did. I know I won’t take his place in your heart but I will make your tears disappear. And you will see me as your perfect love. In time…. you will forget the pain. In time I will take his place in your heart. I never keep a promise, but for you I’ll do it.
I leave the coffee shop with a little question mark. Is this a dream? Or was the one before? If this is a dream, I like this dream better. Let it be like this forever.